Inner Coaching

If I am to talk around the topic of spirituality then it is best explore silence. If spirituality is to do with us making ultimate sense of our live, our deepest hopes and drives, then at some point the words become difficult and we fall into silence.

Silence is a resource and indeed a practice for those who hold any of the world religions and equally those who do not follow a faith. Both find in silence the ability to be still, regulate themselves, to moderate their ever demanding ego or just to listen deeply to their inner selves.

Coaching is a purposeful dialogue, its about talking. It is holding a space for the client to find new personal truths most often through the ebb and flow of words, ideas and encouragement. But there are also silences and spaces between the words in the coaching conversation. In his short article Arthur Turner (Passmore 2021:p132ff) suggests these silences are often considered uncomfortable and unproductive, a vacuum which are often filled by the coach. Rather, he suggests, silence and pauses in coaching creates space for important process and opportunities to happen (p138). He warns that if the coach mismanages or misunderstanders the silence then the coaching could be destructive and a tool for ‘power over’ the client. If I am to explore spirituality in coaching then I need to dig deeper and attending to the spaces created by the silence and the meaning of those silent spaces.

Silence to think – waiting Nancy Kline (1999) encourages the coach to hold back when the client stops talking in order to think g (p51 ). This silence is such a creative space so the coach waits in the silence, waiting for the next thought to be born, waiting for the client to arrange the words or check out what they really want to say. One word or movement from the coach during this thinking could well break the concentration and an important thought is lost?

Silence to rest – resting Another kind of silence is the silence of rest. There is no indication the client is thinking. Perhaps there has been a wrestling with an idea or a set of choices or an explanation which has taken some effort or energy. Now in the silence there is time to rest a short while. Maybe the task of the coach during this silence is also to rest, to mirror what the client is doing. This kind of silence celebrates the effort made by the client. Like the ‘waiting’ silence above, the coach waits for the clients body to indicate they have rested enough and ready to proceed. This might be when Nancy Kline might ask “what else” (p153).

Silence to listen to the emerging – holding But isn’t there another kind of silence when the client has surprised themselves with something they have just said? Quite unexpectedly the client has verbalised something which seemed not to of passed through their conscious thinking. They are surprised, maybe at the insight which has emerged from their subconscious. A personal ‘truth’ has been told which did not pass the scrutiny of the ego and now time is needed to process the new material. In this silence the client is amazed or shocked and works hard to accommodate this new thinking into their lives. So the coach is also silently holding the client, managing the silence while the deep work is done.

Silence to hold anger – allowing There can be tremendous anger is silence which can be verbalised in the coaching session. Maybe the client has become aware of a person or situation which has caused the fire of anger to ignite and burn. There is a tearing apart, the client is hurting and words will get in the way. Perhaps this anger will turn to tears but whatever it hard to handle and words will be inadequate or patronising. So the silence recognises the pain and turbulence and gives space for the client to gather themselves. Surely the task of the coach is to facilitate this burning anger or the emerging tears in a silence which ‘allows’, which gives permission for the rage or tears.

Silence of completion There is perhaps a final silence which is the deepest of them all. It is when the words and thinking have come to an end because the work is done. Here there is no need for an explanation or a round-up or an action plan. This kind of silence is often experienced in group meditation, it is a shared experience of ‘otherness’, a sense that something important has happened. Both the client and the coach sit in a silence, knowing all is now complete the work is done. This silence is a profound companionship between coach and client nothing else is needed to be said everything is complete.

Each of these silences above are to be ‘managed’ by the coach. Firstly the coach, using their skill and experience is required to recognise to type of silence the client is employing. To then calmly hold that silence appropriately, giving time and space for the silence to be ‘heard’ by the coach and client. Maybe it is necessary to ‘call the silence’ to say what the silence is and suggest how it might be handled “let’s allow this for a while”, “lets hold this for a while” “this silence feels very important”. But most often nothing is required other than the coach to be still in body and mind, to wait to allow the client to work in the silence and for the silence to work in the client. Who was it who said “those who do not understand your silence will not understand your words” ?

Kline, N. 1999 Time To Think: Listening to ignite the human mind. Hachette, London.

Passmore, J. ed. 2021 The Coaches’ Handbook. The complete practitioner
guide for professional coaches. Routledge, London.